[. The Male Mind .] [. Uber Long Post .]

So, I've been on a few dates. Six. Six different men.

-One guy was very athletic, very funny, very Gemini. He was very giddy. Very kind. Yet he seemed to busy for words.

-One was very... naturalist-like. We had a lot in common, and a gentleman in a lot of aspects. Real skinny. Lots of tattoos. Had an idea where he wants his life to go. Yet he didn't have his life together yet, like.. I think even I am a few steps ahead. Then, after awhile.. he drops off the earth, coming back and saying he wasn't feeling it. Then to come back later, and apologize. Then hit on me.

-One came over, and I got a overwhelming feeling that he was not as confident as he described. He was very timid. I felt like I could seriously run this kid over, and he'd cry. My parents liked him, but I wasn't really feeling it. There was lots of awkward moments.

-One was amazingly buff. Like, crazy good looking buff. Yet, as sweet as he was... he was still in a college boy state of mind, and wasn't seriously looking for something so long term. We had a fun evening together, but I never really got contacted back. I don't think we had that common.. what do you call it.. Well, I just think it wouldn't of worked anyway.

-One was strong. Silent. Unreadable. On the phone, I could talk forever with this man. I really thought I would like him. He was funny, smart, and liked a lot of the same things I did. We could talk for hours.. Yet in person, I think I got overwhelmed with being around the energy of my friends with this guy. So I came off as not confident. PSH! Well... he didn't talk to me for a few days, after I thought spite my behavior, we had a nice night out. He told me that he felt deceived about my figure. Oh my god, I wretched my teeth and bared it. My body has taken such a toll in the last few months. HE isn't no leaf in the wind either, but I looked past that because I actually liked him. He was funny, and I enjoyed his company. He messaged me the other day wanting my to come over, but I hesitated and didn't. Why? Because I'm still kind of hurt by what he said. If anything, I felt deceived with his words.

-One was all shy smiles. Very sarcastic. Very strong. Yet the feeling I get with someone when I like them, I didn't really have. Through, I wasn't with him there long before he had errands.


If you know who you are. I could care less, there is a reason for me posting this. If you have a problem that I date people, and that makes you uncomfortable.. well, I'm sorry.. but I'm not your girlfriend. Get more confidence, and don't be jealous. I like confidence.

So I blog on one of the dating sites that I'm on. I ask the public population of males on the website for open advice for other women, and I give them tips as well.

Now, I'm so notorious to like people who are untouchable. If they... are already in a relationship(No.. not married.), out of my league, or live very far away.

As frustrating as this is, I can't help how I feel about some people..

This was my post:

I'd have to say... "If you want it bad enough, you can get it." I think this is especially true, don't you think? Especially for girls when it comes to them and there lil' crushes. ;]

Seriously, guys aren't that complicated. They aren't some puzzle.. they're people. Not some alien race.. Even if they pee standing up, and find entertainment in watching someone get punched in the face. Haha.

I was told by a guy friend of mine, that.. once you figure out a guy... he's yours.

Now, I do not agree with that. For the last couple weeks I've been on a couple dates. Some of which have been good, the others awkward. Online Dating is extraordinarily more complicated then meeting someone at the bar. Yet, in some ways I like it a lot better.

1.) Gives you a chance to look over profile. See what they're into.

2.) See there pictures. They can actually tell you bit about the guy. [Like the ones with two drunk women on either arm, and the guy is licking one of the girls breasts... Oh I've seen it.]

3.) Get to talk to them on a deeper level without having actual animal instinct take a step in for the sheer attractiveness of each other.

Yet, no matter if it be online or out in the real world.. we always kind of put up an act the first time meeting someone. Like a representative of ourselves that flaunts our qualities. Imirite? :]

So.. here's how my head is ticking. Men, I hope you comment on this blog, perhaps giving us women and the followers of my blog on here tips and secrets.

Alright. Before I get into any situation I always think.. Would this guy even be into me? Would he be nice to me? Would I be into him? No man should be out of your league.. but come on, realistically.. Would the person find you attractive as you do they? ... I stress this. Im not trying to be mean, I'm being realistic.

Being confident. Men, am I right when I say this? I like confidence. I like a bit of bad ass. So do guys. If you love yourself, all the better. They aren't lying when they say this.


I personally believe when you get a man's number.. its good to call him. Not like every fucking hour. Yet to hit him up, to say hello. I don't like waiting two days because then its like..."Hey. Its Keia, remember me? Smart? Lips? No? ...Fuck...." Or "Hey Its Keia, from the party.. remember? Guinness? Black hair? No.. God damn it." I want~ to be remembered. I like to call when I have something to talk about. Something cool, especially if it reminds me of the person.



Guys. When you calls us. We can do cart wheels if we like you a lot. Do it. It'll help your game. Lol. Oh, and RETURN calls. If you don't dig the chick.. make it clear. I've seen girls in the past call repeatedly. Its not pretty, nor attractive.



Ladies: Beware of the Man-Slut.. You KNOW who they are. Usually charming. Will play up on anything you put out that you like and suave you into their grasp. They like to chase and be chased. They've usually been with a ton of girls. I don't know about you.. but a man that slept with a ton of sluts.. is like a No-No to me. Haha. Smooth tactics WON'T work. Don't think you know his game, and he can be tamed. He won't be. If you think this, he's already won.



So guys. If a girl is into you.. what would get your attention? Like.. what would you like to talk about on the phone? What Dont you like talking about on the phone? Whats a good way to approach you at a bar? Whats a good way at a party?

Name ten things.



Answer These:

Like.. what would you like to talk about on the phone? What Don't you like talking about on the phone? Whats a good way to approach you at a bar? Whats a good way at a party? If you were to see a girl at the bar, [Not for a hook up, be adults here...], and seen a girl in a nice top, fitted pants and heels... Vs. a girl in uber tight jeans, a revealing top, and a lot of makeup, in stilettos.. which one would you be more attracted to? Which one would you bring home to Mom if you WENT somewhere with it? Do you like it when a girl knows her beer? What are some things a girl could do as a hobby that would be intriguing?







DO NOT say: Show up naked, with beer.



Rofl.



Thanks for reading.

Now... This 'asking' question wasn't for me. I thought it was fun for the people that watch my blog on there.

Here were some of my interesting responses:

Me personally I would rather have a girl less sexually dressed up and know shes hott, then try to show it all just to get attention. Yes, most men like the girl who shows it all, but really why is she doing it? Correct me if I am wrong, but most girls who know they are beautiful, don't have to be piratically naked to get a guys attention. As for the phone talk, I personally like to talk about anything to that would let me get to know the girl more. Like, what she did for the day, what's she doing, anything that wouldn't make things boring. The only thing that I get bothered with is if they constantly talk about ex's and how they were infatuated for so long yada yada, over and over again. I don't care what you and your ex had, its over, that's why he is an EX! A good way to approach us at the bar is to just be yourself and approach us like any other normal human being. By a friendly gesture or endearing look that may show us that your interested. Just saying hi, is easy enough. Most men will answer a friendly hello unless they are a total asshole. Girls always work best when they have similar hobbies to a guy. Like if a guy likes to play video games, and a girl does too or both like sports. When people have things in common they mix better together because they can hold conversations about it. They can also participate in activities and dates will not be boring. Anyway, that is my two cents if people agree or disagree

I can not stress this enough: be direct. Everyone says they don't like games, but they all play them.

I'd break relationship success down to understanding oneself and understanding that one's partner is very much like the self. IE know that you're both human and both make mistakes. Learn to control your emotions and you'll be able to tolerate the pain in the ass that really is social interaction.

Interesting... yes?

[. Waiting .]

I believe. No.

I worry~ there is no love for me.

[When I wrote "believe" I realized.. I still had a little hope.]

"Each time we create a little piece of heaven, it also brings a little more hell on earth."


I don't mean to be vain. I don't at all. But, fuck. I think I'm beautiful and I'm willing to wait for someone who agrees.

I read a few quotes, that made me feel pretty good.

"Love, Lost, Learn"

And

"Better to have love, and to have lost then to never have love at all."

So.

Dear soulmate,

I don't know who you are, where you live, or what you look like. But I pray for you every night, and I ask for you to be pointed in my direction.
"Then the moth flying in the night sky, searched for her midnight sun. Awaiting for the day the spider would weave her in his web. Under a bed of beaded stars, bleeding their glitter in the morning dew."

[. Chick Habit .]

.Go Ahead, Fuck With Me. I Dare You.
.We'll Eat You Alive.

.hang up the chick habit.
.hang it up, daddy.
.or you'll be alone in a quick.
.hang up the chick habit.
.hang it up, daddy.
.or you'll never get another fix.

.i'm telling you it's not a trick.
.pay attention, don't be thick.
.or you're liable to get licked.

.you're gonna see the reason why.
.when they're spitting in your eye.
.they'll be spitting in your eye..

.hang up the chick habit.
.hang it up, daddy.
.a girl's not a tonic or a pill.
.hang up the chick habit.
.hang it up, daddy.
.you're just jonesing for a spill.

.oh, how your bubble's gonna burst.
.when you meet another nurse.
.she'll be driving in a hearse.

.you're gonna need a heap of glue.
.when they all catch up with you.
.and they cut you up in two.

.now your ears are ringing.
.the birds have stopped their singing.
.everything is turning grey.

.no candy in your till.
.no cutie left to thrill.
.you're alone on a tuesday.

.hang up the chick habit.
.hang it up, daddy.
.or you'll be alone in a quick.
.hang up the chick habit.
.hang it up, daddy.
.or you'll never get another fix.

.i'm telling you it's not a trick.
.pay attention, don't be thick.
.or you're liable to get licked.

.you're gonna see the reason why.
.when they're spitting in your eye.
.they'll be spitting in your eye.

---Tonight, I really didn't get to blog about what really has inspired me for the night. Heh, I don't want a panicked boyfriend. So you'll have to deal with it.

Inside I decided to surface something I found remarkable.

I hate digging up a old grace where I buried skeletons of my past, but I think I have to vent over it. It's something I see way too much.

When people fall fools to false presumptions of the heart.

There is so many sides to this. And for you that can't see outside the box, I mean cheating.

In the beginning we're animals. We have two basic instincts, but overtime we were able to conquer one, and control it. Out of self-preserve, and species-preserve.. its species-preserve. Fight or flight, most of us are able to control the baby making instinct. Don't believe me? You -have not- met my best friend, Megan.

Megan, is the butterfly to my moth. She is my equal, twin, but polar opposite in a lot of aspects. Not this. You should see how we talk on the long rides in her car. (and then how quickly our A.D.H.D. kicks in when some loud, obnoxious, booty shaking song comes on the radio shuts us up.) She doesn't want kids. I respect her for that. I, myself, don't really know if I do or not. Soon? Hell no. Awe... I'm dragging away from the subject.

I leave names of the stories I tell unmentioned. Yet, they feel they are documents that are stuck within the cell of my cranium.

Happy relationship. Beautiful, happy, healthy, consistent. Yet, something happens that wasn't planned. Pregnancy. Its a scary thing. They get married immediately, and begin to plan. Both moving in with each other. Then a sudden ugliness is brought out in the both of them. The male, loses commitment completely behind the female's back. The female finds out and it breaks her heart, and her trust. They try again, as months go on she keeps swelling with the child she is making. She goes on a trip and he continues his unfaithfulness behind her back, and uses her 'trip' as an excuse. It was rocky.. and he CONTINUED to be unfaithful, and he lied to her face. She had a beautiful baby, and she continued on.. but the scar is still there. The trust is still gone. He is gone, she dropped him from her life like a bad habit.

Why would you destroy all the beauty in your life if in landed in your hand..? Is it so much like a egg, that its shell is so fragile that a mere flinch of your hand could crack it? One bad decision set off a chain reaction like a bad chemistry project? Its mind boggling. What hits home so hard with me... is.. that could happen to me. Someone could destroy me like that.. I've been knocked down hard before, but nothing like that.

A young kid, a person who didn't even know what she wanted. He wanted. It wanted. I'm sure they didn't know where they place themselves in the world. They will one day, and will realize just exactly how beautiful they are. What ever they choose to be. Yet beautiful things can do such mean things, even when they didn't mean to be mean. Portray themselves to be several other people, but themselves. They gain friends, these different alternatives knowing each other, happiness. Yet the core of the soul was broken and bleeding. Neediness. This person talks as if the home they live in doesn't appreciate how special they are. Desperate, hopeless romantic, we love you. No worries. Yet, what they did was wrong. Coiling a love relationship around lies. Fake alias, fake picture, fake life, fake stories.. I was too smart to let the mask shield them the way it did. I fell onto them by accident, but I think it was fate. I was their 7th tarot card. I was their reality slap. Now that the truth was out, the burden is gone, but the rain is pouring down hate, distrust, negativity. I don't blame them, I did it too. I'm guilty for the same sort of things when I was their age. I got a grip on myself. I hope they do too.

Pretending for love? Exactly how far would you go with a lie for wholeness? Its a habit. Being so young, and so ripped up.. and begging for a needle to pull yourself together not caring about the damn pain about the suture penetrating the flesh of your spirit. How far? Then I asked myself, and I realized.. I did it for a long time. Its weird how you can look back, and not even know how bad you were being lied to, and hurt.. because you were so numb and desperate.. And it hits you like a train.



How long would you lie to YOURSELF? Kid yourself of deep rooted feelings, and cheat someone out of something genuine just because you didn't want to hurt them.



Do the math, and do not let it happen to you. Drop the habit. Stop cheating. Stop cheating them, and stop cheating yourself.

[. Mother .]

.Protection. .Goddess. .Mother.

Today is my Mom's birthday.
There is a lot to reflect on.

I often see my Mom as a falling star.
I remember her when I was a little girl.
My Mom was such a bubbling youth.
She was as fresh as spring.
As Warm as summer.

At least thats how I remember.
Perhaps my Dad remember her as the 100lbs of dynamite that would tear up the dance floor on Saturday nights.
Perhaps my friends remember her as the lady with the accent, the overprotective Momma that wouldn't hesitate to kick some ass, and made amazing mashed potatoes.
Perhaps her other kids would only remember the false stories they heard, or the vague memories they had.

Stars are beautiful. Bright.
Yet, the thought of a falling star is sad.
Bleeding out all the glitter all the way down to the dark, cold, hard, ground.
Something that used to be as fragile as glass, that projected such a soft warm light..
Something that is now weathered, endured, harder.

My Mom has a lot of gold necklaces, rings, trinkets. When she dresses up, as she seldom does. I always feel like she's hiding. Trying to cover flaws. Trying to project something that she wants, but never has. Like all that jewelry would lend her some of the shine, because she feels like she lost all of hers.

My Mom's a fallen star.

She sits in the living room, watching her soaps and American Idol religiously. "The house is clean, Lee and Ed are fed, animals are fed, Ed is away. What should I do? " When I leave I think she will not know how to deal with silence, with peace. When she could be herself. She used to dance all the time, but inside the stereo case is a thick layer of dust. She hasn't listened to music in years.

Perhaps one day my Mom will reach deep inside of herself, and find the music she once had.

Regardless, I'm going to take her out tonight. I promised her Red Lobster for Mother's Day. So, that's what I'm going to do tonight. For her birthday, I was thinking maybe we could go to the mall. So she can do girl stuff, things she doesn't get to do often.

[. It's My Time To Fly .]

Defintion: fly
1  /flaɪ/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [flahy] Show IPA verb, flew or, flied, flown, fly⋅ing, noun, plural flies.
–verb (used without object)
1. to move through the air using wings.
2. to be carried through the air by the wind or any other force or agency.
3. to float or flutter in the air.
4. to travel in an aircraft or spacecraft.
5. to move suddenly and quickly; start unexpectedly:
6. to change rapidly and unexpectedly from one state or position to another:
7. to flee; escape.
8. to travel in space.
9. to move or pass swiftly.
10. to move with an aggressive surge:
____________________________________________________
1. All this time I was grounded. I never knew my wings were right there. With me for ten years.
2. Not even my wings knew it. They didn't want to believe it. Yet I carried them.
3. I flew, and my soul was finally free from the filth that corroded my heart.
4. My wings were him. I soared through space, in a music of a heart beat.
5. It was so sudden. It erupted like the sleeping lakes of a volcano.
6. So unexpected, and unplanned that it was nearly scary, solving the puzzle.
7. Minds, and bodies entwined was like running away, and kissing the shadows.
8. No gravity, no heavy rusted chains breaking our skins with their weight.
9. Time had past us so quickly, to the girl with the flower, and the boy with a grin.
10. The surge was violent as it ripped the flesh of our spirit and melted together.


The moth was boiled at 291 degrees by the spider, He told her it is time to fly.

[. Mystification Of Her Moth .] + [ .ABOUT ME. ]

I decided to remake the blog with a different name, because in this blog I am not Jez. I am myself. I'm not the girl I'm staged to be. This is me stripped naked of the plastic, me raw.

But, You wanted to know about Me?

Needless to say I am often very confused. My mind is like a Rubik’s cube and my sense of self transient to the point where I am not even sure I am corporeal sometimes. I spend a lot of time in analytical reverie and therefore my attention span is very short so it’s difficult for me to feel interested in anything less than extreme. So if I seem like I don’t give a fuck. I probably don’t.

Or I care a lot more than I’d have you think.

...

If you’re ever unlucky enough to meet me in person you’ll probably find that I am a lot more amiable than I appear and most probably quite shy. [Lol. Sometimes.] This doesn’t mean I want to be your best fucking friend forever, I just believe that you should treat others how you’d want to be treated and I hate being treated like a cunt.
Don’t get me wrong, I do like meeting new people and I love making people laugh, but I’m far too neurotic for my own good and I really wouldn’t like to press that on anyone other than the people that have already been stupid enough to let me in (and I say that with all the affection in the world!)

You may be wondering why I’m telling you this but I find it more respectful to be honest and in my opinion there are too many people that try to aggrandize themselves over the internet to give the portrayal of perfection and I am far from perfect.
Though there are things about myself that I would like to change if I could I still believe that it is better to be erroneous otherwise the world we live in would become very tiresome and I averse the mundane much like I would a box of rotting fish heads on my doorstep. In any case our social paradigms make it incredibly strenuous for anyone to achieve perfection and considering what that really entails today I think I am quite thankful.

At the end of the day our flaws are unparalleled and incomparable, they are what separates us and I think that people could lead healthier lives if they were allowed to accept that rather than having pictures of super skinny girls and heavily muscled men shoved in their faces every time they open a magazine or turn on the T.V.

Anyway, I digress.

I am one small person in a massive universe and really don’t see myself as of any real importance in the grand scheme of things. I believe that though I may possess some unique quirks I am not special and I dislike the common human trait of needing to feel different. I don’t think a person’s worth is measured in Brownie points for being an ‘individual’ and people get so caught up in being ‘original’ that they completely lose sight of who and what they really are.
The human ego is astonishing. We feel the need to control and manipulate everything to make ourselves feel more secure because if our lives don’t play out as we planned then it’s like it’s all gone to waste, when really maybe we should just feel glad that we get to experience this.
Because when it comes down to it though we can try to dominate every aspect of our lives it’s really down to the actions of others as to whether or not we get what we want. You can after all, bid a horse to water but you can’t make him drink and I believe that I’m not so much an arbiter of my own destiny as I am a hedonist running around with guns blazing hoping I don’t shoot myself in the foot.

. M Y . P E R S O N A L I T Y .
I’m still not sure of who I am as a person, and I don’t pretend to. Our personalities change on a day to day basis and whether it’s a small change or a big one, we’re never exactly the same people we were yesterday.
Or in my case, a few hours ago.

Right now, I’m the kind of person who likes to roleplay on IMVU with deep fascinating vampire stories enriched with mysteries and romance, while enjoying a nice cup of peachy green tea, while occasionally looking outside the window and commenting on what a God awful day it is. Right now, I'm the kind of girl that misses the smell of the ocean air, and smell of white gardenia. With a heavy case of A.D.O.S. [Attention Deficiency OH SHINY!] Right now I am the kind of person that will laugh at all your stupid jokes just to make you feel smarter, unless they’re really bad, in which case I will look on you with condolence and give you a pat on the head, because right now I am the kind of person who will condescend to you for speaking nonsense.
Right now I feel completely insecure about myself but wouldn’t dare talk to you about it in person. Seriously, even if you came up to me and said ”I read on your blog that you’re feeling insecure, want to talk about it?” I would give you a big smile and tell you not to take the internet so literally.

And right now, in this moment, I guess I could say I am uncertain. Uncertain about life and how to spend or waste mine. Almost completely incapable of making decisions or more importantly maybe, making the right ones?

My world passes in a succession of images that skip like a damaged record between states of complete lucidity and lurid visions, thus my memories appear to me kind of like scenes in a film and I often have little palpable memory of what went on between them. I do try to improvise a lot of the time but mostly just have to accept that I have no valid logic and that I will never be a Doctor or a Lawyer or a gadget-clad super hero who stalks the streets at night dressed like a giant bat. Fortunately I think I can just about live with that as it seems much easier nowadays just to draw a few pictures of boobs and brand yourself an artist =D Hell yes!

And seriously, when you strip it down to its fundamentals are boobs any more artistic than taking a shit? Mebbe.

All jokes aside though I am a creative at heart and I find inspiration in everything (You know, stuff and junk) Art is my solace and I often feel that it’s the only thing I am truly akin with, the only thing that’s natural. My work is often focused on moments of torridity and I like to push boundaries and experiment with psychology, paradigms and paraphernalias because of the effect they have on our everyday lives and it helps me confront my fears about my future in society in a constructive way.
It means more to me than I could explain and without it I fear I’d be completely empty even though I still feel like no one will ever understand the way I see the world or the things I try to capture.
Even so I think for the most part I am as much a mystery to myself as anyone else.

I float in an spilled Inkwell, bleeding into a vision of something I can't feel with even a fifth of what I'd like to. My life is as fragile and expendable as the liquid that drips through the lips of an Orchid.
I'll live as in a dream and hope never to wake up.

I talk way too fucking much. My bad.

Loralei